Beyond the Behavior

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2011-05-04T15:47:00.001-05:00

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HOMECOMING

2010-03-26T20:17:00.000-05:00

When we moved to Florida from Texas almost two years ago, my two oldest kids were torn. The beach and sun were calling but they had to leave their dad behind. My daughter has embraced the sand and suntan lotion and loves living here. Cody, my 10 year old, on the other hand is in his own words, "homesick everyday."

When we travel to Texas for a visit, I always prepare my heart for "homecoming". It wasn't any different when we lived in Texas and the kids spent time with their dad. Transitioning from one house to another made them an absolute emotional wreck, which made me an absolute emotional wreck.

I had to find a happy place. A place where I could prepare my own heart, and gain some control over myself. That was the only way I could be strong enough to bear their burden of living under the consquences of their parents' choices. That's what I did every other weekend for 10 years. And then we moved, but it didn't stop.

This past week, Alyssa and Cody's grandfather was in town on business. Their father's dad was a regular part of their life on their weekend trips to the ranch. He picked them up and took them to dinner. Alyssa was giddy about seeing him! Cody loved his time with grandpa.

This time with grandpa triggered memories of dad, especially for Cody. His behavior immediately went out of control-disrespect, anger and nervous energy changed his behavior, what some would think, unexpectedly.

But I knew it was coming, and I knew I had to handle it. It reminded me how as parents and educators we forget that behavior is most likely NOT about behavior. Behavior in a child, an often in adults, is a direct response to their home environment, their circumstances, their growth, their age, the nutrition, their sleep habits, and the list goes on and on.

So know your child's emotional struggles, and as you do, you will begin to see patterns in their behavior. And as you see these patterns you can be PRO-ACTIVE about handling it, versus waiting for them to get too out of control and then you have to discipline.

That's what I did with Cody. I waited to see if he learned how to handle his behavior himself, and he proved incapable right now. So I sat him in a chair facing me, knee to knee and held his hands. I told him that I noticed how he's been short with me, disrespectful and finding unhealthy joy in bullying his brother. I told him I noticed that this started after he spent time with Grandpa. And it seems to me that it would maybe make him miss his dad. He said, he never really thought of it that way. I asked him if he may be feeling a little homesick. He said, "I'm always feeling homesick."

And now I know. I asked him to try harder and to be aware of his actions, He didn't want to let go of my hands, but I grabbed him and hugged him. And since then, he's back to his old self. He's loving to Zac, talking with love and respect toward me and has found ways to do positive things with his energy. He just needed someone to understand. And so does your child! Pay attention to your children, and prepare for your own HOMECOMING,

So Don't "shhh-ush" Them!

2009-12-02T12:27:00.000-06:00

One of the things Zac hates more than anything in the world is being Shhh-ushed. He talks a lot, he talks loud, and sometimes he talks slow! And he interrupts....and he's FIVE! So it's no surprise to hear him being Shhh-ushed by his older siblings at least two or three times a day. Sometimes he responds with a VERY loud, "I'm just trying to talk to you!" and sometimes he's so fed up he cries and stomps upstairs while screaming, "I HATE IT WHEN EVERY-BUDY- SHHH-USHES ME!" To which I have to give the "He's-Five-Years-Old-and-You-Were-Too-So-Be-Patient-and-Listen-To-Your-Brother-and-Stop-Shhhusing-Him" Lecture.

Last night I so wanted to Shhh-ush him myself. I just wanted to shower and go to bed when I hear him chattering in the bedroom...As I tiptoed toward the door I heard him praying...and he was praying for his daddy, who was recently deployed. He was holding back his weeping--not crying--weeping--and I could see his lip tucked under, about to hit the floor.

"Jesus. I miss my daddy." Is all he said before noticing me, and then the wailing began.

I grabbed him, choked back my own tears, and pulled him close. His pain seeped out of his words...

"Mama, I feel like my heart is breaking out of my chest. It really hurts."

He wept, I held him, and then I prayed for him, and asked him to finish his prayer to Jesus.

From Zacs Mouth to Gods Ears : "Jesus. Take away my darkness in my heart, I hurt so much cuz I miss my daddy really much. I'm so scared that he's gonna die and I really want him alive. I want my daddy back. And my family back. I miss my daddy really much. He's my friend. I love him and everybody. And I love you too Jesus. Amen. "

Everything in me wanted to lie to him about our circumstances, and change the subject. I wanted to talk about happy things, like Christmas...I even tried. I said, "Zac Christmas is coming, aren't you excited to see your cousins..." To which he replied in tears, "No, cuz I don't get to see my daddy."

I tried singing songs with him...it was going well, he cried and sang Jesus Loves Me with me...Then I went on to sing "Be Careful What You See Little Eyes" which sent him into another episode of weeping. I asked what made him cry, he says, "When I talk to daddy I tell him to be careful out there! And he says You too, Pop!"

Then Jesus spoke to me. He said, "Stop Shhhh-ushing Him!" OUCH! I was shhhh-ushing my grieving child...

So I stopped. I just laid there, with my grieving five year old in my arms and let him weep.

Do you shhh-ush kids?? Do they make you feel uncomfortable? Do you want to fix them? Is their pain less real than yours?

Stop shhh-ushing kids. God desires to use their sorrows for his Joy. Get out of his way!

Let's Play War!

2009-09-22T14:40:00.001-05:00

I watched my boys play last night. Dressed up in my husband's field, camo hats, "fake" dogtags, camo shirts and camo pants, they ran around the house "shooting" guns at each other.

Some moms would be absolutely and insanely freaking out. Boys playing with guns?! In this world?! Absolutely. N-O-T.

But not me. Nope! I just watched them run and play, yelling military orders at each other. I knew they were having fun, but more importantly, I knew they needed it.

A few weeks ago, my family learned my husband was deploying to Afghanistan. To my four year old, this means daddy has to work for the army for a long time and he won't be there when I start kinder. To my 9 year old, this means, I've lost the only man in my life I can look up to.

Playing war is the only way my boys know how to process this change in their life. Their rooms are lined with Dollar Store army men. My 9 year old is checking out library book after library book about war after war. They're just trying to figure it out.

In their brains, minus or with minimal abstract thinking skills, my boys have to live, breathe and absorb all they can about war to make it a reality. I think we forget this. We forget the needs of a child to play to learn--to put into action any new knowledge--or to process change--or to process trauma.

Years ago, My daughter and son who are two years apart road the bus to school everyday. Their bus driver was extremely ~~crazy~~ strict. I actually had to meet with the director of transportation on occasion to protect my children, and the children of the neighborhood. She tended to yell ~~ALLL THE TIME~~ quite frequently.

One fine day, my two precious children are playing in their little brother's pack n play. All I hear is my Cody screaming at the top of his lungs "Turn around, sit down, and shut your mouth!" I had no idea what was going on so I run in the living room prepared to see my daughter crying. Instead she was hunched over in the crib giggling uncontrollably.

"What in the world is going on?!" I ask

"Oh mom, calm down! We're just playing BUS DRIVER!"

This bus driver was their first exposure to someone who was less than nice to them. By playing their bus driver, they processed how to act and react to her. They were learning!
____

In 1980, Chowchilla, California, 26 children were kidnapped off a school bus and driven to a remote location. They were removed from their bus into a small van where they were buried alive inside the vehicle. Praise God they were found and all survived. But here are some of the games they played, even 4 to 5 years after the incident:

Bus Driver (probably more explicit than what my children played)
Kidnap Tag
Tie a Person to a Tree and Leave Them There.

Any change, event, trauma, or life situation that your child can't comprehend will most likely be played out.
Violent video games, movies and music videos are not excluded. If you see a child acting out a "strange" or "unlikely" behavior, be willing to explore why they are playing what they are playing.

You may be surprised at the fears your children hold...but you won't know unless you ask!

Summer is almost over....

2009-07-21T10:47:00.002-05:00

Kids are getting antsy---some are ready to go back to school. All of them, FULL OF ENERGY! How do you curb that energy? What do you do with it?

OUTSIDE TIME---and the evening is perfect for this--you're off work, it's cooler out....kids need to jump around. Who cares if you have sandwiches for dinner? Some of the BEST memories me and my two oldest had were when I was a single mom. I'd get off work, grab them from wherever they were. We would head home, pack sandwiches, chips and juice boxes. Throw on our suits and off to the pool we went. It became a ritual, and the kids always had so much fun! I got to sit and relax and watch them play--and they got to unleash their energy!!!

LEARNING TIME -- turn off the TV! Your kids spent 6-8 hours a day reading and learning, and now they aren't using their brain as much! Give them an assignment. Have them research an animal and plan a trip to the zoo! When you come across that animal, have them give a presentation on what they've learned! Make them help at the grocery store by adding up prices and guesstimating your grocery bill. This will teach them budgeting, while letting them use their math skills. It will also give them an appreciation for how much food costs---and hopefully they won't be as wasteful. ( A girl can dream, right?)

QUIET TIME -- even tho your kids are at daycare or even with you, it's important that they rest. Give them at least a half hour to just sit and chill--in their room or a favorite chair in the house. No TV no Video Games no Music. Just chillax. My daughter could do a book...my son would read. But it's quiet time, for everyone----including MOMMY!

WATER-- I did a survey of the kids in my Wed. night group. I asked them "When was the last time you had a drink of water?" 90% of them couldn't remember!! Fill your kids with water ! It hydrates their bodies AND their brains. Lack of water can cause them to be moody, have headaches and stomach aches. It can also make them unhealthily exhausted.

Remember, this is the only summer you will have with your kids at the age they are! Make it memorable and safe while providing lots of love and encouragement for them to be the best kids that God created them to be!

And then they speak.

2009-03-05T14:04:00.000-06:00

Every weekend rolls around with amazing regularity. I prepare curriculum, make copies, hand out rosters, greet volunteers. Wednesdays aren’t any different. Kids come and go, “Hello Ms. Tiffany!” “See you next week, Ms. Tiffany!” They mostly come with smiles, sometimes a little hesitance, but most of all, they seem like normal, everyday kids coming to church with mom or dad.

And then they speak.

They tell you of their lives with straight faces, and even smiles.

“My mom is dying of aids, and I live with my step dad because my real dad doesn’t want me. I don’t even see her anymore because she’s so sick. I’m 9.”

The toothless blonde girl smiles, “ I’m 8. My dad does drugs and my mom drinks wine. My dad has big bumps on his arms, I think it’s cancer. I think my dad is going to die and my mom is going to drink so much. But it will be okay, because I can just go to the gas station next to my house if something happens.”

“I brought my friend with me today. We are both 10. Her dad died a few months ago, so she doesn’t really talk.”

“I don’t like my sister, she’s 16 and we don’t really get along. Both of my parents work, so I spend most of my time in my room by myself.”

“I asked my mom why she and my dad divorced, and all she tells me is “It’s just better that way.” I don’t understand how it could be better because when I’m with my mom, I miss my dad, and when I’m with my dad I miss my mom.”

“Don’t ask me about my family.”

“I watched my dad die of a drug overdose. I’m 9.”

“My dad is a bad example for lots of reasons. I can’t really tell you all of them, because I haven’t seen him in 8 years.”

Their stories are filled with heart wrenching pain. These wounded souls go through life with their stories, their safety plans, their pain. Every week they come, looking for love and acceptance, searching for some sort of order to the chaos in their minds.

These kids are hurting and only the Ultimate Physician can be the salve to their souls. So before you look at that child as ordinary, know that each of them has an extraordinary story behind their smile. A story where the ending could be written by Jesus himself, if only you are willing to hold the pen.

Giving Kids Choices

2009-01-13T21:46:00.000-06:00

You can use choices in your everyday parenting. You can present children with choices for almost any situation. When a child feels like they can make a choice, it raises their self-confidence.

Here is what that could look like:

MOM says: It’s a little cold outside, would you like to wear your blue jacket or green jacket?
SON says: I don’t want to wear any jacket.
MOM says: That was not one of your choices, you can choose blue or green, OR I can make the choice for you.

It can help you in encouraging your children to help around the house:

MOM says: I have lots of things to get done tonight. Would you like to put the dishes in the sink or take the laundry out of the dryer.
DAUGHTER says: Do I have to?
MOM says: You can do one or the other or BOTH. Those are your choices. You get to choose.

It can help when disciplining your children:

Son is throwing toys across the room to get them in the toybox, almost hitting his sister in the head.
MOM says: Son, what you are doing is not safe. Since you are trying to do something helpful, is there another choice on how we can get that done?
SON says: I dunno.
MOM says: You can get up and walk the toys to the toybox OR you can bring a small basket and fill it up and then take it to the toybox. It’s your choice. But throwing is NOT a choice.

Through this, you are helping your children see the consequences to their choices. When you give your child choices, you move from being a parent that feels like you are constantly barking orders, to a parent who empowers your child to take responsibility.

Just a quick side note: Not everything is a choice—running in the street, playing with matches or anything that would threaten a child’s health or well being is not a negotiable. At the end of the day, we are still the adult, and we must use the opportunity for children to make choices responsibly.

Building Connections

2008-10-20T20:46:00.002-05:00

Being connected to our children is so vital to their well being. True connections are necessary for children to gain a sense of safety in an insecure world. Knowing that you are in control and dependable helps children grow and develop.

Understand that connections aren't built by accomplishing your everyday tasks, like making breakfast or --for teachers, passing out folders. Connections are built when meaning takes place in the task at hand. Breakfast CAN become a connection if there is eye contact and the conversation is about something meaningful to THE CHILD.

Passing out folders can become a connection point IF there is constant positive reinforcement and you connect the task with the character of the person. An example would be: Samantha, you're passing out the folders for me. This shows how responsible you are and that you are committed to serving. This shows great character. --with eye contact---I appreciate you.

Simple. Yet a connection is built.

How can you connect with a child today? Is there something that you do already that can become a CONNECTION POINT--a time or place where you can truly build into a child's life?? Think about it, try it...share it!

Do children bounce or break??

2008-09-08T22:32:00.002-05:00

The family system is so important to the growth and development of children. Our understanding of this can contribute to a child's overall sense of safety. When a child feels safe, a child can learn.

Know that a breakdown in the God given family for a child is devastating. Children are resilient, no doubt. But like a demonstration I do in my trainings, Children are much like a ball. They CAN bounce, but only if someone puts the bounce into motion. And when putting a ball into motion, you must understand HOW that ball will bounce by investigating it's dynamic.

When seeking to know a child know who they live with. Try to get a handle on their at home routine. What time do they go to bed at night? Who cooks? Where do they eat? How many nights a week are they away from home? All of these things and more make up the dynamic of a child. Their family and the values in their family are intricately woven into every behavior.

As you listen and learn, don't judge. Just absorb and develop a compassionate heart for the child who is gone "doing" things 4 nights out of 5. Or empathy for the child who lives out of a bag because mom and dad have shared custody. Or mercy for the child who cooks her own meals because her single mom is trying to make ends meet while dad is in Iraq.

There are so many different components to a child. And know, that a child does NOT compartmentalize his/her life. It's all one big ball of colored rubber bands. Help them to sort them out, and love them through it. As you unwind them a little at a time by showing them your love, they will bounce forward into this world instead of all of your classroom!

What did YOU learn on the playground? Share with me.

2008-08-21T18:30:00.006-05:00

So you go to a new restaurant in town. It's gotten amazing reviews about customer service and great food. You just can't wait. You sit down, and a seasoned waitress introduces herself. She explains to you that she is training Amanda and this is her second day on the job. Amanda is carrying your tray full of tea to your table, and successfully delivers each glass to the correct person at your table. Yay for Amanda.

Now let's say this restaurant opens, but the manager doesn't believe in On the Job Training. Amanda sat in a classroom for 8 hours a day for 3 days learning the physics behind holding a tray filled with glasses full of ice tea. She comes to your table, promising to deliver, but she's never ACTUALLY carried a tray full of tea. Confident in her abilities?

Kids are much like this. Play is a necessary part of growth and development. To a child, their play is their work. Children need ongoing, constant On the Job Training. If a child is not playing, chances are, their growth is being hindered.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, ".. free and unstructured play is healthy and - in fact - essential for helping children reach important social, emotional, and cognitive developmental milestones as well as helping them manage stress and become resilient."

Their report: The Importance of Play in Promoting Healthy Child Development and Maintaining Strong Parent-Child Bonds concentrates on the need for Play in child development and connecting with their caregivers.

I encourage you to encourage your children--whether you a teacher or a mother--to just play.

ON A PERSONAL NOTE...

My children have started a new school in a new state that does not promote recess time. My 8 year old child is sitting in a classroom for 6 hours every day, with the exception of 30minutes for his lunch. And then 2 days a week, he attends PE for approximately 45 minutes.

Can you imagine growing up without recess? I learned so much on the playground. I learned how to read people--what boys were bullies,and what girls hated their home life. I learned patience--I had to take my turn at four square. I learned about ME--that there were some days that I just didn't feel like playing and just wanted to sit. I learned that I would NEVER be a gymnast like my friend Meagan, because I was too tall, and that was okay. On the playground, I learned.

What did you learn on the playground??

Wake Up! It's time for School

2008-08-13T00:11:00.002-05:00

I'm days away from muttering those words to my children. I'm filled with anticipation and excitement for them as they embark on a new school in a new state. They will meet new teachers and make new friends... It's all sooo New.

This is also the time of year I observe, very closely I might add, how teachers interact with students and parents with children. I'm always so intrigued at how clueless some adults can truly be.

New is hard. New is change, but unfortunately we don't always grasp that kids really have difficulty transitioning into New. Yes they are capable, yes they are resilient.

But don't be surprised to hear the week before school, "I can't sleep." or "My stomach hurts." or "I hate school." It takes time for kids to overcome their own fears.

Be patient and loving. Be encouraging yet set some boundaries. Don't spend too much time playing into their fears. Acknowledge that New is hard, but remind them of their strength and ability to get through it.

And after you drop them off on the first day of school...treat yourself to a Starbucks for making it through the summer.

And if you're a teacher---have one of those mom's pick you up a Starbucks on the way to drop them off.

Got a question?

2008-07-11T18:36:00.001-05:00

Post it here...

Individuality of Kids

2008-07-09T13:24:00.002-05:00

Change is so unnerving to children. I know this first hand because my family is in the midst of moving to a new state. Because of this, I have to exude an extra dose of patience with them while teaching them to respect the way each other is feeling right now. Not easy.

My 10 almost 11 year old is ready to get on that plane. She is prepared to make a new life. Her life is consumed with " I need to know..." What's the name of my school, where will we go to the grocery store? What church will we go to? How far will we have to drive? Is there a Sonic in Florida? Is there a Wal Mart in Florida? Is there Big Red in Florida? How big is my room? What color will I paint it? I NEED TO KNOW!

Children need to know in order to feel safe. Now some don't need the extremes like my daughter. But keeping kids in the loop ---an age appropriate loop- will help calm their fears.

My 8 year old is terrified to move. His abstract thinking skills are still in developmental process and he is unable to see beyond the here and now. He is struggling to put together that we will be back, that this is not forever. He is confused quite often. Because of his age, he is unable to see the possibility and to see how life is put together like a puzzle.

He needs step by step process. Now we are going to....then we are going to... Then on Saturday we will... then on Monday after we get there we will.... This is how he is secured, in knowing what comes next.

My three year old--is well 3. We've explained to him the plane ride, how Florida is FAR AWAY. He just wants to go where daddy is. His weepiness is rooted in the upheaval of our lives. Moving out of our house and temporarily leaving with my mom while dad is gone. No structure no schedule.

My littlest needs to be held more and loved more. His security comes from knowing that I'm okay with everything. "If mom is okay with it, then I can be okay with it. If mom is okay with driving on this street to go to the grocery store, then I'm okay with it--and I don't even have to ask where we are going. " Constant reassurance and patience with his tears is most necessary.

What changes will your kids go through soon? New school, new house? New job? Divorce?

What about you teachers? What will your kids walk into your classrooms with in a month or so? This being a new school? Dad move out over the summer?

Treating each child with individuality is necessary for today's generation. They aren't the same. They won't handle change the same. Love them through wherever they are. Allow patience--which comes from God alone--to manifest in your life.

Mom! He took my pillow...

2008-06-30T22:45:00.003-05:00

As I'm surfing through my Blog Roll I stumble upon this ! I prayed and thought about this methodology to handling tattling for days! I just couldn't get that yuky feeling out of the pit of my stomach. Please don't think that I'm personally attacking the author of this post... I am a mother of three children--two of whom are two years apart, but act much like twins. I have tried allll sorts of solutions to all kinds of problems. So High Five to you MOM for trying something new...

Tattling is a huge issue in the life of allll families. This form of handling tattling bothers me in several ways:

First and foremost the claim of teaching biblical confession---this form of confession is far from Biblical. Biblical confession is done out of Obedience to authority (to God) and Conviction by God. This type of confession where an equal partner is responsible for convicting a sibling and then has the authority to make him/her obey is not the act of confession that Jesus asks us to follow.

Additionally, if the authority doesn't work, the child is still tattling, but just in a different way. "Mom, Tommy needs to tell you something" is stillll tattling, no matter how you wrap that package.

This type of responsibility on a child could cause 1. resentment between siblings 2. levels of anxiety 3. dishonesty. It is not a child's responsibility to police another child. This methodology would particularly fail in single parent families, where in most circumstances, the older child already feels a ton of responsibility for all the other children.

Also, how as a parent will you decide who is telling the truth or not? And who's perspective is more important Suzie's or Johnny's? Most likely one child will be the child who is consistently "reporting." Additionally who determines what is "important" and "unimportant"? That variable will leave children confused and without clear concise boundaries. A child's perspective to what is important will be vastly different to another.

For example, to my daughter leaving the water running while you are brushing your teeth is a sin punishable by death. To my son, her younger brother by 2 years, he could forget all together to turn off the water and go outside to play with his friends. So if my Son saw my daughter leave the water running, I would not likely hear a report. But flip the switch, and my daughter would be running down the stairs screaming, "My brother needs to tell you something." To him, it is nothing to tell. So who becomes the authority? Who determine what is important? NO matter how I look at it, it still tattling.

So what I do in this situation???

Well, God looks always at the motivation of our heart. Most often when tattling occurs it's not done in pure motivation. It is done in pride or selfishness. Sometimes even with malicious intent. My suggestion--teach the foundation of heart motivation to your children vs teaching a child they have the power to convict for sin.

So my daughter comes running down the stairs screaming, "My brother is letting the water run while he brushes his teeth! "

ME: ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS TO BE HELPFUL OR HURTFUL????

Daughter: Well to be helpful!

Me: Helpful to...?

Daughter: Mom, you know we could run out of water in this world. He doesn't need to be running the water.

Me: Okay, you want to be helpful to the environment?? How about to your brother?

(I've caught her now!)

Scenario 1
Daughter: HELPFUL, of course.

Me: So how are you going to help your brother to learn about the importance of taking care of our earth

(now she has to think of a solution to the problem instead of depending on ME to figure it out)

Scenario 2
Daughter: HURTFUL

Me: So you desire for your brother to be hurt out of this situation. Hmmm, we need to talk...

The goal of this would be to:

1. Allow the children to solve their own problems, without your intervention
2. Encourage the children to think through what situation they are in PRIOR to involving you
3. Even through tattling, placing problem solving responsibility on the child vs. policing responsibility.
4. Encourage sibling communication and respect.
5. Allow children to know that their actions are motivated by a desire to help people or harm people.
6. Provide a teaching opportunity for you as a parent to show children the importance of our motivation to God.
7. It allows children to think through alll of their actions and motivations--even taking a cookie without permission. Then conviction comes directly from the Spirit.

This works. I swear! It also works in the classroom for you teachers out there.

Would love to hear your comments on what you think about Helpful v. Hurtful and other tattling-buster methods out there!

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Running with Scissors

2008-06-16T21:30:00.003-05:00

Protecting child from any physical harm should be a priority in every one's life--whether you have children or not. There are several ways to look at this issue...

If little 3 year old Tommy runs into the street, whether you his parent or not, what would be your first inclination??? To grab that child and make sure he understands the importance of keeping himself physically safe...however that would work best. You would not be concerned if it hurt the child's feelings, because it is a potential life and death issue.

This same principle should be applied to any physical safety issues the child needs to be taught. Playing with fire, running with scissors, diving from the top bunk... Physical safety boundaries need to be set with authority. Regardless of other issues that you may be more lenient on, like eating on the couch, there should be no room for disobedience when it comes to physical safety. This means serious consequences should he decide to not respect your authority...

So what happens when we do set consequences and the child is not physically safe in the duration?

First of all--YOU should never hurt a child physically--Your job is to protect and keep safe...that is your job.

I was watching Super Nanny the other night and she put a child in the "naughty chair" as she calls it--"Time out" for us Americans.... She's right in the sense that if your child keeps getting up from Time Out, even if 100 times, 100 times you need to put him back... What was a red flag to me was that she was using the rocker recliner, next to an end table as a time out spot. This has great potential for danger.

When you put your child in time out, make sure there is nothing she can throw, or plugs she can put her fingers in. If it is next to a bed, make sure he can't climb under the bed. If it is near a door, make sure there is no way she can slam her fingers.

Angry children don't always know what they are doing...if they aren't feeling safe, they can often react and not respond. If there is something to throw, they will most likely throw it. If they flounder around when they are angry, the stairs would NOT be a good time out spot.

Whenever you put a child in time out, make certain to give them a boundary. Whether it be tape on the floor or the outline of a tile, let the child know they are NOT to cross this line. Be cautious when using a chair for time out.

Even when your child is being disciplined, physical safety should be of the utmost concern of yours. Protect your child physically from others, from life circumstances, and from himself.

Emotions with BOUNDARIES

2008-06-09T10:24:00.004-05:00

We all need to feel safe emotionally--especially children. Kids normally grow up knowing just a handful of feelings--Happy, Sad, Angry or Mad---and sometimes BORED--even though BORED is not a feeling, it is simply a state of mind.

As kids are sorting through and learning their emotions, they also need to be free to express them. In order for a child to express himself freely, he must be able to say what he feels without criticism, correction or condemnation. When loving your child through their emotions, know that it is THEIR PERCEPTION that is the most important...not yours.

If a child is angry about something, that in your adult mature mind know that his anger is unwarranted, it would be easy to say, "Oh stop being so mad, it's no big deal." But in reality, it's a big deal to him. This is an opportunity to teach him the why's---everything is an opportunity to teach.

Also keep in mind that there is no such thing as a BAD FEELING. God created all of our feelings, we are the ones who label them good or bad. To God, our feelings just are. They just are a part of our human-ness. What we DO with our feelings is an entirely different story.

This goes for the GOOD feelings as well. Even when kids are feeling happy, and excited. They play and bounce around, having a good time...and before you know it, they are completely out of control. How many times have you said, "You guys better stop before someone gets hurt." You know they are having TOO MUCH FUN.

Condemning our children for having feelings will most likely confuse them, because it is only natural for them to have emotions. Take the time to teach them what to do and what not to do when they feel a certain way.

By doing this, you create an emotionally safe place where your child can freely explore his emotions within boundaries. BOUNDARIES is the key word. Every way your child expresses emotions, it should be done within limitations. When you are angry, you can't hurt yourself, things or other people. When you are having fun and are happy, you can't jump on the couch. When you are sad, you can cry but you can't be rude to others. Or if a child is throwing a temper tantrum or some version of one--you can be angry and upset, but you must do it in your room.

I encourage you to not fear your child's emotions. Allow them to be themselves, teach them the Godly way to handle the very feelings that God gave them.

Out of Control Children Need Safety

2008-06-05T19:50:00.004-05:00

"I'm not listening! I'm not listening!" Is it possible for two 30 year olds who have: conquered mean landlords, even meaner bill collectors, a lifetime of hard times, and every odd against them --be unable to conquer a 4 YEAR OLD?!

In their heads, yes they've done EVERYTHING...but truly have they? Children can be out of control---especially if they don't feel safe. SAFETY is an important concept that I will speak of over and over and over again. I truly feel that SAFETY is the number one issue of most kids with behavior issues.

So let's look at the out of control child. We will first explore her behavior and then in the days following we will look at effective tools to bring the child into an emotionally, spiritually and physically safe place.

This out of control child I speak of is not afraid of you, or anyone for that matter. She despises you even more when you DEMAND respect from her. She will push you and push you, and then memorize how far it takes for you to jump over the edge. She deliberately disobeys--and doesn't even know what the real concept of obedience looks like.

Her siblings resent her because she whines her way into getting what she wants. She never has to pick up toys or go find things for herself--even though she is capable. It is much easier as a parent to do it yourself than it is to fight constant battles.

The problem is, when she's not fighting you, or disrespecting you-she is preciously sweet. She hugs you and tells you how much she loves you. It makes it even harder to believe that 20 minutes ago she pulled every piece of clothing she could find out of every drawer in the house and refused to pick any of it up. All the while screaming and crying, making "Go to H E double Hockey Stick" faces at you.

Who is this child??!?

Whoever you are--guilt will get you NO WHERE!!! You've done everything you possibly can to "control" this child so no condemnation here! My own children are FAR FAR from perfect.
Luckily, we don't aim for perfection in life--we work on progressing! I honestly believe that you have done everything possibly that you KNOW HOW! So perhaps I can teach you a few things that will be helpful.

First and foremost, this child wants YOU to be in control. When she has to control circumstances, she feels uncomfortable and in the wrong place. She wants to know that YOU AS THE ADULT have everything within reason and know what to expect and how to deal with things.

This child is acting out on insecurity. Her anger increases as you progress out of control. The more out of control she is, the more insecure you are. The more insecure you are, the angrier and more out of control she is. WOW what an ugly, vicious, vicious cycle.

I mentioned previously (3) ways for a child to feel safe... there are several more sub-categories, but let's touch on the primary ones:

Emotional: Children need to feel SAFE to express their emotions without criticism, but do so in a way that does not harm anyone around them. Additionally, a child needs to know that emotionally you don't feel threatened, because that will give them the freedom to explore what and how they feel.

Spiritual: Children need to feel a sense of spiritual SAFETY knowing that regardless of who they are, or what they've done, God is always present and always loving them. Some children after an emotional episode are filled with self-condemnation. Loving kids with grace and mercy is imperative to them growing to a fully devoted relationship to Christ.

Physical: Children who have out of control emotions will often destroy what is around them. Placing them in an environment where they can't physically hurt themselves is necessary to proper discipline.

A rule I use with my own children as well as others is:

IF YOU ARE ANGRY--YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HURT YOURSELF, THINGS OR OTHER PEOPLE!

Over the next few days we will explore how to protect your child emotionally, spiritually and physically and how by doing this, your child will sense safety. When you child senses they are safe, their behavior will ultimately change.

This is a process--this is not 'FIX YOUR CHILD BY THE WEEKEND.' God works everything in process. Even though He had the power to create the world and everything in it immediately, he chose to do it in 6 days--and then rest.

Stay tuned and stay hopeful. God loves your child more than you do...Ultimately He's in control--so you don't HAVE to be! <><

Thumb Sucking...

2008-06-02T13:45:00.003-05:00

Question:
Dear Child Rearing Guru!

What to do about thumb sucking? When are they to old to do it and what is a healthy way to encourage them to stop?

Sincerely,
Without a clue ;)

Response
First of all--I'm the FURTHEST thing from a Guru!! :) My husband and I have (5) children, and I don't claim have figured it all out--and I probably never will!! But I will do my best to help!

Thumb sucking is a normal reaction for babies. The reflex of sucking is important for children's developmental growth and feelings of safety. Most children will stop between the ages of 2 and 4. If this is an issue beyond those years, there are a few things to keep in mind:

1. You can't remove his/her thumbs. So it will be a challenge and a PROCESS. Chances are, it won't happen over night.

2. This is a sense of security for your child. To take it away will trigger some anxiousness in you and your child.

3. Sucking your thumb is not good for your child's teeth.

First thing you'll want to do is

Remind him/her that they are actually sucking their thumb--after the age of 4 it's a almost a reflex to put their thumb in their mouth, they aren't necessarily conscientious about what they are doing.
Tell him/her when they aren't sucking their thumb--"Wow--Look at you--you can do that without sucking your thumb."
Explain to your child the difference between doing things when he/she is a baby and doing things as a "Big Kid"... Here is an example: "When you were a baby, where did you go potty?? Now that you're a Big Kid, where do you go potty? When you were a baby, you ate baby food YUK! Now that you're a Big Kid you eat.... Let your child come up with the answers. This encourages them to problem solve on their own. Then you can say "When you were a baby you sucked your thumb because you needed to, Now that you're a Big Kid.... "
Accept small victories. You may get them to stop during the day, but not yet at night. Take small steps to accomplishing a greater goal. After he/she stops during the day, you can offer a new sense of security at night...like a new lamp, or pillow.
Pray. Go to God and ask that your child will find his/her sense of security in Christ alone...and that nothing will ever take the place of that.

Many prayers...

Got a Question?

2008-05-29T16:13:00.001-05:00

Post it here....

Potty training with a BIG move and a BABY brother

2008-05-28T08:35:00.003-05:00

A Mom's CONCERN:
My 4 1/2 year old son is pooping his pants. This has been an on going thing since my husband's second deployment. It seems to come and go and get bad when he is readjusting to a new situation. We have tried everything and are running out of solutions. I thought maybe you might have a new idea for us to try.
Here is what we've tried already:

Took him to the doctor to make sure medically things were fine.
Used incentives and positive enforcement.
Bought "cool underwear" (printed) and every time he pooped in the toilet he got to pick a new pair. If he pooped in his pants he lost all of his "cool underwear". (that seemed to work until this past month)
Not make a big deal of it when it happens.
Make him shower and clean himself and then do the underwear exchange
We've required him to clean up all of his own mess.

Should we put him in pullups again because it's becoming an almost daily issue? I'd hate to do that. So do you have any new ideas that we can try? He seems to understand, but tells us he doesn't know why he does it. I've noticed it's when he doesn't want to stop having fun. If we're just hanging out at the house he's fine. But it seems to happen more when he's playing with friends or doing something he doesn't want to stop. We're desperate for a fix. What do you think?

My RESPONSE:
Understand that this problem is a result of change and your son may not be feeling like he has many choices right now. It also has to do a little with a new baby and seeing him get lots of attention--even for dirty diapers.

1.Figure out his schedule. He probably goes about the same time, or under the same circumstances pretty much daily. If you know you are going to be gone, then make him go--remind him.

2. Communicate Choices. Tell him in the morning: You using the bathroom is your choice. You are a big boy. You can choose to go to the bathroom on the toilet or you can choose to go in your pants. If you go in your pants, what happens? (let him give you the answers)... then say, If you choose to go in the potty, what happens? (again, let him answer). Then tell him: It's your choice. Mommy and Daddy can't do that for you--you going potty in the toilet is your choice--and when you make your own choice you are showing us what a big boy you are. When he makes the choice to go to the toilet give him a high five, and say "you did it--you made a choice!" NOT Good Job you went to the bathroom--that says yay, you are good because you did what I wanted you to do... He doesn't want to please you--he wants to feel empowered to make a choice.

3. Let Him Help! Show him when the baby dirties his diaper. Tell him: Big Boys can be helpful to babies who can't go by themselves. Oh Wait--You're a Big Boy that means you can help me. Then let your son help change it. Tell him he's on potty patrol for the baby, and that whenever he thinks the baby needs to change a diaper, to let you know. It will be ALLLL the time at first, but it will die down--he needs to feel a part of something. Giving him a job will help build his self worth, it will give him the sense that he's contributing around the house.

I think if you put him in a pull up you will regret it. It could make him completely digress and you will have to start ALL over.... Try those things, see what happens....

War on Terrorism Leaves Children Behind

2008-05-26T10:21:00.003-05:00

With Memorial Day here, we think of all the soldiers who have tread foreign soil to protect the freedoms of this country. My husband is a soldier and veteran of Desert Storm--I'm grateful to him and all men and women who have sacrificed a piece of themselves for our comforts.

I'm also grateful for the mother's and children--and the father's and children--who are left here in America, fighting a different type of battle--the battle of single parenthood.

Children of deployment are often faced with the same struggles as children who experience divorce or death. Although the circumstances are different, these children are left in single parent households. They endure the same stress.

They also face a different stress, with the threat of war and death. They are often left confused, with images of CNN clouding their imaginations. It seems there is an overwhelming sense of fear in these children, so they struggle to feel safe in their environments.

Children of deployment need compassion and love. Their devastation is real, and their fears need validation. Keep the lines of communication open, and explain to them age appropriately the importance of freedom in our Country. I encourage you to use this as an opportunity to teach them about the Sovereignty of God--that HE is completely in control.

To the moms and dads raising their children while their spouse is across the waters--Thank you for your love. Know that you are thought of and prayed for! And may the LORD bless and keep each child who unknowingly sacrifices a part of their childhood so that we can maintain our liberty!

Summer Stress

2008-05-22T11:56:00.007-05:00

For those of you who know me, working with highly stressed out kids is a passion of mine. The truth is, in today's world, kids' stress levels are skyrocketing. Even with the excitement of being done with school and into the summer fun, this can be a stressful time for your child. Change always brings on stress. Here are some things you can do to help your child transition from school to day cares or school to home...

1. Give your child a voice. Ask them first if they are excited about summer. Then ask them if they are worried, or concerned or 'thinking about' anything in particular that's going to happen during the summer.

2. Sit your child down and let them know the plan. Kids always do better if they know what's coming next--actually adults do better, too. Let them know that if the plan is going to change, that you will tell them as soon as you know.

3. Try to come up with a summer routine. Especially if you are at home. It's tempting to sleep in and let the kids do the same. A routine communicates safety to kids, and it will help them adjust to the new months ahead.

4. Don't over commit them. Kids just want to hang out sometimes. Having kids in 100 different programs doesn't necessarily mean you are a better parent. Downtime is important for kids. This way they learn how to a. create their own fun b. be responsible for what they are doing and c. won't come to you every time they are 'bored' expecting you to fix it.

5. Commit your heart to enjoying your kids this summer, whether you work or stay home. I was a single mom once and me and the kids would go to the pool in the evenings. I'd pack a picnic and we ate sandwiches almost every night. It doesn't have to be complicated.

My prayers are with each of you as you prepare to love your kids this summer. Let us know how you handle transitioning your kids from one season of life to the next! Blessings...

The Beauty of a Flower

2008-05-21T09:30:00.004-05:00

Are your kids bouncing out of control? School is almost out, and Spring is over...Here comes summer. The end of this school year may not be a time of butterflies and flowers for you. So I encourage you to STOP--take a deep breath. Go for a walk in the morning or late evening, enjoy this beautiful world God created. And on your walk, when you see a flower, do you walk over to it and stomp on it? Do you pick it out of the ground to merely toss it aside? Probably not. Most likely you respect where God placed it. You marvel at its beauty, even though it's probably labeled a weed.

Think on this-- a flower starts as a seed, and needs nourishment and light. A child is much like that--YOUR children, whether your a mom, a teacher or ministry leader--are much like that. He needs your nourishment, and your light in order to grow into the beautiful creature God intended. That child doesn't want to be kicked out of your classroom or tossed aside. He doesn't want his spirit crushed.

Children need to be respected where they are at, they need to be marveled at. They need to be seen as a beautiful creation! Who is that beautiful creation in your life? Who is that child who seems like a weed, that you struggle to find the beauty in?? Look Beyond the Behavior of that child. Look into his heart. Find the Beauty!!!