Every weekend rolls around with amazing regularity. I prepare curriculum, make copies, hand out rosters, greet volunteers. Wednesdays aren’t any different. Kids come and go, “Hello Ms. Tiffany!” “See you next week, Ms. Tiffany!” They mostly come with smiles, sometimes a little hesitance, but most of all, they seem like normal, everyday kids coming to church with mom or dad.
And then they speak.
They tell you of their lives with straight faces, and even smiles.
“My mom is dying of aids, and I live with my step dad because my real dad doesn’t want me. I don’t even see her anymore because she’s so sick. I’m 9.”
The toothless blonde girl smiles, “ I’m 8. My dad does drugs and my mom drinks wine. My dad has big bumps on his arms, I think it’s cancer. I think my dad is going to die and my mom is going to drink so much. But it will be okay, because I can just go to the gas station next to my house if something happens.”
“I brought my friend with me today. We are both 10. Her dad died a few months ago, so she doesn’t really talk.”
“I don’t like my sister, she’s 16 and we don’t really get along. Both of my parents work, so I spend most of my time in my room by myself.”
“I asked my mom why she and my dad divorced, and all she tells me is “It’s just better that way.” I don’t understand how it could be better because when I’m with my mom, I miss my dad, and when I’m with my dad I miss my mom.”
“Don’t ask me about my family.”
“I watched my dad die of a drug overdose. I’m 9.”
“My dad is a bad example for lots of reasons. I can’t really tell you all of them, because I haven’t seen him in 8 years.”
Their stories are filled with heart wrenching pain. These wounded souls go through life with their stories, their safety plans, their pain. Every week they come, looking for love and acceptance, searching for some sort of order to the chaos in their minds.
These kids are hurting and only the Ultimate Physician can be the salve to their souls. So before you look at that child as ordinary, know that each of them has an extraordinary story behind their smile. A story where the ending could be written by Jesus himself, if only you are willing to hold the pen.
Look BEYOND BEHAVIOR ...
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Giving Kids Choices
You can use choices in your everyday parenting. You can present children with choices for almost any situation. When a child feels like they can make a choice, it raises their self-confidence.
Here is what that could look like:
MOM says: It’s a little cold outside, would you like to wear your blue jacket or green jacket?
SON says: I don’t want to wear any jacket.
MOM says: That was not one of your choices, you can choose blue or green, OR I can make the choice for you.
It can help you in encouraging your children to help around the house:
MOM says: I have lots of things to get done tonight. Would you like to put the dishes in the sink or take the laundry out of the dryer.
DAUGHTER says: Do I have to?
MOM says: You can do one or the other or BOTH. Those are your choices. You get to choose.
It can help when disciplining your children:
Son is throwing toys across the room to get them in the toybox, almost hitting his sister in the head.
MOM says: Son, what you are doing is not safe. Since you are trying to do something helpful, is there another choice on how we can get that done?
SON says: I dunno.
MOM says: You can get up and walk the toys to the toybox OR you can bring a small basket and fill it up and then take it to the toybox. It’s your choice. But throwing is NOT a choice.
Through this, you are helping your children see the consequences to their choices. When you give your child choices, you move from being a parent that feels like you are constantly barking orders, to a parent who empowers your child to take responsibility.
Just a quick side note: Not everything is a choice—running in the street, playing with matches or anything that would threaten a child’s health or well being is not a negotiable. At the end of the day, we are still the adult, and we must use the opportunity for children to make choices responsibly.
Here is what that could look like:
MOM says: It’s a little cold outside, would you like to wear your blue jacket or green jacket?
SON says: I don’t want to wear any jacket.
MOM says: That was not one of your choices, you can choose blue or green, OR I can make the choice for you.
It can help you in encouraging your children to help around the house:
MOM says: I have lots of things to get done tonight. Would you like to put the dishes in the sink or take the laundry out of the dryer.
DAUGHTER says: Do I have to?
MOM says: You can do one or the other or BOTH. Those are your choices. You get to choose.
It can help when disciplining your children:
Son is throwing toys across the room to get them in the toybox, almost hitting his sister in the head.
MOM says: Son, what you are doing is not safe. Since you are trying to do something helpful, is there another choice on how we can get that done?
SON says: I dunno.
MOM says: You can get up and walk the toys to the toybox OR you can bring a small basket and fill it up and then take it to the toybox. It’s your choice. But throwing is NOT a choice.
Through this, you are helping your children see the consequences to their choices. When you give your child choices, you move from being a parent that feels like you are constantly barking orders, to a parent who empowers your child to take responsibility.
Just a quick side note: Not everything is a choice—running in the street, playing with matches or anything that would threaten a child’s health or well being is not a negotiable. At the end of the day, we are still the adult, and we must use the opportunity for children to make choices responsibly.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Building Connections
Being connected to our children is so vital to their well being. True connections are necessary for children to gain a sense of safety in an insecure world. Knowing that you are in control and dependable helps children grow and develop.
Understand that connections aren't built by accomplishing your everyday tasks, like making breakfast or --for teachers, passing out folders. Connections are built when meaning takes place in the task at hand. Breakfast CAN become a connection if there is eye contact and the conversation is about something meaningful to THE CHILD.
Passing out folders can become a connection point IF there is constant positive reinforcement and you connect the task with the character of the person. An example would be: Samantha, you're passing out the folders for me. This shows how responsible you are and that you are committed to serving. This shows great character. --with eye contact---I appreciate you.
Simple. Yet a connection is built.
How can you connect with a child today? Is there something that you do already that can become a CONNECTION POINT--a time or place where you can truly build into a child's life?? Think about it, try it...share it!
Understand that connections aren't built by accomplishing your everyday tasks, like making breakfast or --for teachers, passing out folders. Connections are built when meaning takes place in the task at hand. Breakfast CAN become a connection if there is eye contact and the conversation is about something meaningful to THE CHILD.
Passing out folders can become a connection point IF there is constant positive reinforcement and you connect the task with the character of the person. An example would be: Samantha, you're passing out the folders for me. This shows how responsible you are and that you are committed to serving. This shows great character. --with eye contact---I appreciate you.
Simple. Yet a connection is built.
How can you connect with a child today? Is there something that you do already that can become a CONNECTION POINT--a time or place where you can truly build into a child's life?? Think about it, try it...share it!
Monday, September 8, 2008
Do children bounce or break??
The family system is so important to the growth and development of children. Our understanding of this can contribute to a child's overall sense of safety. When a child feels safe, a child can learn.
Know that a breakdown in the God given family for a child is devastating. Children are resilient, no doubt. But like a demonstration I do in my trainings, Children are much like a ball. They CAN bounce, but only if someone puts the bounce into motion. And when putting a ball into motion, you must understand HOW that ball will bounce by investigating it's dynamic.
When seeking to know a child know who they live with. Try to get a handle on their at home routine. What time do they go to bed at night? Who cooks? Where do they eat? How many nights a week are they away from home? All of these things and more make up the dynamic of a child. Their family and the values in their family are intricately woven into every behavior.
As you listen and learn, don't judge. Just absorb and develop a compassionate heart for the child who is gone "doing" things 4 nights out of 5. Or empathy for the child who lives out of a bag because mom and dad have shared custody. Or mercy for the child who cooks her own meals because her single mom is trying to make ends meet while dad is in Iraq.
There are so many different components to a child. And know, that a child does NOT compartmentalize his/her life. It's all one big ball of colored rubber bands. Help them to sort them out, and love them through it. As you unwind them a little at a time by showing them your love, they will bounce forward into this world instead of all of your classroom!
Know that a breakdown in the God given family for a child is devastating. Children are resilient, no doubt. But like a demonstration I do in my trainings, Children are much like a ball. They CAN bounce, but only if someone puts the bounce into motion. And when putting a ball into motion, you must understand HOW that ball will bounce by investigating it's dynamic.
When seeking to know a child know who they live with. Try to get a handle on their at home routine. What time do they go to bed at night? Who cooks? Where do they eat? How many nights a week are they away from home? All of these things and more make up the dynamic of a child. Their family and the values in their family are intricately woven into every behavior.
As you listen and learn, don't judge. Just absorb and develop a compassionate heart for the child who is gone "doing" things 4 nights out of 5. Or empathy for the child who lives out of a bag because mom and dad have shared custody. Or mercy for the child who cooks her own meals because her single mom is trying to make ends meet while dad is in Iraq.
There are so many different components to a child. And know, that a child does NOT compartmentalize his/her life. It's all one big ball of colored rubber bands. Help them to sort them out, and love them through it. As you unwind them a little at a time by showing them your love, they will bounce forward into this world instead of all of your classroom!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
What did YOU learn on the playground? Share with me.
So you go to a new restaurant in town. It's gotten amazing reviews about customer service and great food. You just can't wait. You sit down, and a seasoned waitress introduces herself. She explains to you that she is training Amanda and this is her second day on the job. Amanda is carrying your tray full of tea to your table, and successfully delivers each glass to the correct person at your table. Yay for Amanda.
Now let's say this restaurant opens, but the manager doesn't believe in On the Job Training. Amanda sat in a classroom for 8 hours a day for 3 days learning the physics behind holding a tray filled with glasses full of ice tea. She comes to your table, promising to deliver, but she's never ACTUALLY carried a tray full of tea. Confident in her abilities?
Kids are much like this. Play is a necessary part of growth and development. To a child, their play is their work. Children need ongoing, constant On the Job Training. If a child is not playing, chances are, their growth is being hindered.
According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, ".. free and unstructured play is healthy and - in fact - essential for helping children reach important social, emotional, and cognitive developmental milestones as well as helping them manage stress and become resilient."
Their report: The Importance of Play in Promoting Healthy Child Development and Maintaining Strong Parent-Child Bonds concentrates on the need for Play in child development and connecting with their caregivers.
I encourage you to encourage your children--whether you a teacher or a mother--to just play.
ON A PERSONAL NOTE...
My children have started a new school in a new state that does not promote recess time. My 8 year old child is sitting in a classroom for 6 hours every day, with the exception of 30minutes for his lunch. And then 2 days a week, he attends PE for approximately 45 minutes.
Can you imagine growing up without recess? I learned so much on the playground. I learned how to read people--what boys were bullies,and what girls hated their home life. I learned patience--I had to take my turn at four square. I learned about ME--that there were some days that I just didn't feel like playing and just wanted to sit. I learned that I would NEVER be a gymnast like my friend Meagan, because I was too tall, and that was okay. On the playground, I learned.
What did you learn on the playground??
Now let's say this restaurant opens, but the manager doesn't believe in On the Job Training. Amanda sat in a classroom for 8 hours a day for 3 days learning the physics behind holding a tray filled with glasses full of ice tea. She comes to your table, promising to deliver, but she's never ACTUALLY carried a tray full of tea. Confident in her abilities?
Kids are much like this. Play is a necessary part of growth and development. To a child, their play is their work. Children need ongoing, constant On the Job Training. If a child is not playing, chances are, their growth is being hindered.
According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, ".. free and unstructured play is healthy and - in fact - essential for helping children reach important social, emotional, and cognitive developmental milestones as well as helping them manage stress and become resilient."
Their report: The Importance of Play in Promoting Healthy Child Development and Maintaining Strong Parent-Child Bonds concentrates on the need for Play in child development and connecting with their caregivers.
I encourage you to encourage your children--whether you a teacher or a mother--to just play.
ON A PERSONAL NOTE...
My children have started a new school in a new state that does not promote recess time. My 8 year old child is sitting in a classroom for 6 hours every day, with the exception of 30minutes for his lunch. And then 2 days a week, he attends PE for approximately 45 minutes.
Can you imagine growing up without recess? I learned so much on the playground. I learned how to read people--what boys were bullies,and what girls hated their home life. I learned patience--I had to take my turn at four square. I learned about ME--that there were some days that I just didn't feel like playing and just wanted to sit. I learned that I would NEVER be a gymnast like my friend Meagan, because I was too tall, and that was okay. On the playground, I learned.
What did you learn on the playground??
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